Life's funny like that isn't it?

Not Paying Attention

2010-07-22T01:39:00.000-07:00

That title right there is why I don't like the school system: taught by people who didn't quite get the job they want introducing young people to the topic that they are sup par at. Lets, for example, take my Business Studies teacher. A parent with young children teaching what she has some practical experience in. Practical in that she worked in a business!!

Now, don't get me wrong, this teacher is a lovely person. But when your teacher is telling you to do something, the least they could do is PAY ATTENTION! When my teacher cannot pay attention and be motivated, I find it difficult to be motivated as well.

Here's what happened: Teacher tells people to read out for the class (in the final year as well... MY EYES WORK BITCH). Each person reads a single paragraph then the teacher instructs the next person to read. "Kate, please read", Kate reads then she says "Ok, who haven't I picked yet?" Kate tries to look scarce. "Kate, can you read please?" Kate reads again. "Ok then, who looks like they weren't paying attention? Kate?".

Kate interjects "Miss, I just read" oh so politely. "Oh, sorry. I wasn't paying attention."

Let me repeat that. The teacher... who was supposed to be teaching WASN'T PAYING ATTENTION?!

good fucking god... I've seen what the people in my school year are capable of (I'll give you a hint: not much) and if this is the past generation who are infinitely more educated are not paying attention then the future, dear readers, IS FUCKED!!!

Heh... life is pretty funny like that huh?
...
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! our generation gets to pick their nursing homes!

Witness

2010-07-19T02:45:00.000-07:00

This is a horrible movie. Absolutely fucking horrible. For those of you who have seen it, you are lucky. For those of you who saw it and found it enjoyable, I'm about to tell you why it isn't.

Lets talk about the opening of the movie. HOLY FUCK THERE ARE PEOPLE RISING OUT OF THE GROUND! Oh. Its ok. They are in Pennsylvania. Wait... what? Yeah, the people with clothes from the 1800s are American. Makes sense, they are all zombies anyway. After we get over the undead people we discover they are going to a funeral. Funeral. And it's in German. YAY! Not even 5 minutes into the film and the director has already managed to scare me and alienate me. That is one hell of an achievement.

We meet Rachel Lapp and her son Samuel. Her husband has died. Poor Rachel. I feel so sorry for you woman, you have to look after a child on your own and - oh ok. Lets move on. The film cuts to next morning and... SHE'S FINE! Kid's happy too! And they're leaving the god damn Amish county. WHAT?! YOUR HUSBAND IS DEAD! BE SAD BITCH! The kid has lost his father and he looks like he's 8 and HE'S SMILING!! If my dad died, I would be a snivelling wreck for the next month! YES I AM SHOUTING A LOT!

Good god... we're barely 15 minutes in.

After the Amish people who don't use modern technology get on a fucking train... yes... they get on a train which is against their religion...and travel towards Baltimore. They need to change trains at Philadelphia train station. While there Rachel, who loves her ONLY child, lets the little guy wander off in a train station they have never been to. That's asking for trouble. Seriously!

He gets over this amazing sight and then needs to go to the toilet. Sam walks in and then BANG! BANG! this guy who we have no emotional connection to and will never see again dies! Actually... it's not so much bang as sloosh because the guy gets stabbed in the most melodramatic way imaginable.

He dies.

The kid is now scared of these murderers and as such has now become scared stiff. Standing in the stall, eyes wide, breathing heavily, saying "HUWH".

FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

IF YOU'RE SCARED SHITLESS FOR YOUR MOTHERFUCKING LIFE THEN THE LAST THING YOUR COCKHOLE IS GOING TO DO IS MAKE A NOISE!!!!!!!

to be continued...

Working hard or hardly working?

2010-02-23T02:44:00.000-08:00

You know what shits me? Other than school, holidays, call centers, television, social encounters, not enough updates, too many updates, mathematics, religion (ooh... yeah, take that bitches), hygiene, competition, birthdays and non-commenting readers (yes, all 5 of you)?

FUCKING WORK!

Seriously? Why didn't communism work? Was it the lower class not being able to contribute? Was it the leaders not sharing the income to those that needed it most? Was it humans greed? Yeah, probably that last one...

I mean, I understand the appeal of capitalism. Yay! I get to keep all the shit I want and slap people in the face with my solid gold gloves. But... really? I know i'm young and lazy but the difference between me and you is that you will probably not be overly affected next time your boss asks you to compile a list of meanings derived from a shoe-horn in a book you really don't give a shit about, but thats what i have to deal with!

It all started in kindergarten, or whatever-the-fuck your country has decided to call the first year of education. I worked hard. I spelled my name right. I told people to ssshhhhhhhh for talking. I answered the questions. What did I get as a reward? A FUCKING CARD. WITH LETTERS ON IT. It wasn't even colourful, it was just fucking blue. And it said:

English: A
Maths: A
Art: A
Music: B

[Name here] is a wonderful student who exceeds expectations. [Gender] works hard in class and this is reflected in the marks achieved.

Guess what? Every single card I got after that one said...
...
wait for it...
...
THE SAME SHIT SACK THING!!!!

Honest to god, my stories in year 1 were more creative than the piss poor reports I got. This more or less continued on into high school, until year 9. I gave up in year 9. Probably had something to do with the fact that I GOT NOTHING TANGIBLE FOR BEING AWESOME AT REMEMBERING TRIVIAL AND ARBITRARY BULLSHIT TAUGHT BY CUM FOR BRAINS TEACHERS!

Maybe thats not fair... but as soon as my marks dropped, both literally and figuratively, I got the hardest kick in the arse you can imagine. My loving father decided that in order to boost my marks that I needed more motivation. My marks went up at the end of the year because he assured me that the beatings would stop.
In year 10, after (most of) the beatings stopped my marks started to slip again. Really? What a surprise! No rewards again kinda hindered my work ethic.

Towards the end of year 10, when the School Certificate (the equivalent of any test that is compulsory before you can leave school so that you have the most remote chance of getting a job) rolls around I figure I should work.

One and a half years later I sit here with a laptop for good behaviour (doing my homework and slightly more than usual) and... um... a school certificate mark of about 80%. See? I didn't get any rewards earlier on, and as a consequence I am god damned fucked sideways with a corkscrew for my Higher School Certificate... which is just the one which may give me a University application mark.

Woo... I can totally see why they want me to work hard now. SO I CAN WORK HARD LATER!!

Work hard (at school) to work hard (at university) to work hard (in a job) to die early (of exhaustion). Life really is funny like that isn't it?

[EDIT: Anyone who is actually keeping track if these posts, I didn't do valentines day because it is the most depressing day of the year and I was recovering from my annual suicide attempt]

School

2010-02-05T02:14:00.000-08:00

Do i really need to go into this?

Its like holidays. You go to work so you can earn money. This money is then saved up in a back account, so that you can buy things you want and go on holidays to relax. When you buy something that you want, it brings you no joy because you spent your hard earned cash, so... back to work you go to earn more money. When you go on holidays to relax, you can't relax because your spending money and will be poor when you go home and unable to afford the nice things that brought you no joy because you were spending money that you had to work for

*puff*

ad infinitum.

Ok, school. Well, maybe they aren't like holidays, but holidays are still a bitch anyway.

School is more like... ... ... a fish slap to the face.

It makes sense for the person holding the fish to have slapped you. You are confused as to the purpose of this fish slapper and why it was a ghost pipefish specifically.

At school I am supposed to be there to learn things for the job that I will inevitably get to pay for stuff that won't make me happy. At school I am taught by hardworking teachers the wonders of the world, such as what the difference between international, multinational and transnational corporation. Or that finding out the differential of a lines equation allows you to find the area beneath this line, the gradient of the tangent to that line or the length of some other bullshit that I couldn't be fucked to remember.

See, this shit falls of deaf ears. I'm an average student whom everyone sees some sort of imaginary force supporting him... what's it called? Oh yeah, potential. Everyone has potential. Stephen Hawking has the "potential" to get up and walk again, but all the little stem cells and his awesome speaking chair or that debilitating disease prevent him from doing it.

Seriously, he can do it. He just needs to believe in himself

The other part that gets me... this job thing i'm supposed to be getting? Does it require that I know exactly how to draw a graph with a sound wave on it? Will I need to do long division at the drop of a hat when my boss calls me in and says:

"Hello, we want you to do long division because it is necessary that our company has someone who can do that shit in case of an alien invasion and they talk with numbers"

Really? Is that going to happen? In this lifetime? In the next 100 years? In the next BILLION FUCKING CENTURIES?! When the fuck in real life will I need the multitude of skills I have been taught in the last week? People, I can't remember if I had toast or cereal for breakfast. WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO (on the minutely minuscule and nigh imp) WHEN I DO NEED THEM?!

God I hope this thing doesn't have a word limit...

Ok, also for all the people who read this at work: Do you do tests? Do you sit down for an alloted and arbitrary time period and answer questions about your area of expertise? No? I didn't think so. If school is there to prepare us for work, and work does NOT follow this bullshit and ass-backward-as-fucking-your-sister way then why do we do it?

Well, maybe we do it to make sure that the required knowledge is known. That makes sense. What doesn't is MAKING IT A RANK SYSTEM! WHAT THE FUCK?! If EVERYONE in the entire test gets 96% with one guy getting 97%, that means he was the smartest of the 3o-odd geniuses. Ok, so he was the smartest.

What about if a company needs a guy and needs him/her (because i'm an equal opportunist here) now? Well, they test the available candidates. Everyone gets 32% and one guy gets 34%. They hire the guy who came 1st in the test. OH MY GOD! YAYS! Hims gostsed onest. Hims must be intelermagent. He has to be intelligent. I mean, he did beat everyone. But he got 34%! He didn't even pass!

FUCK!!! CUNT!!! ARSE!!! COCK!!! RAPE!!! HITLER!!!

Seriously... they are using ranks to determine who is best.

I'm in year 12 at school, my final year. In the end of year exam I compete with every other student in the ENTIRETY of Australia. Thats a LOT of people. If everyone gets above 80% in all of their test, and one kid beats everyone by 1 single mark/point, does that make him the best candidate for the job? He can study sure, but can he work under pressure? Can he think on the spot? Can he work hard forever rather than just for 1 month while preparing for some tests? In a place that is totally soul crushing?

There is so much not tested and its TOTAL FUCKING BULLSHIT! WHY USE A FLAWED SYSTEM IF WE KNOW ITS FLAWED?! FUCKING ANIMALS DO THAT WITH THEIR SHIT TOSSING! Humans have claimed this planet as their own and CANT TREAT EACH OTHER RIGHT?!@ASGHDADLGK#T@^Y(D{)!QHBFS. Sorry... almost lost my temper...

I can't even remember how this started. I just know that if my parents expect me to be breaking my back EVERY SINGLE DAY for a year I am going to snap and KILL SOMEONE. I am not kidding. I am as serious like aids.

I will kill every single person on this planet if I have to work hard for one year.

"It's only one year" mum says.

Ok, one year for 2010. Then i have to go to university to get a proper job, because my end of year marks are just for a mark that uni's look at. What about uni? Do I not work there? Because i'm fairly sure i'm supposed to work in uni... So it's not just one year..? Uni goes for 3-4 years...

"Ok then, it'll be 4-5 years including uni" she snaps back

But then I need a job. I need to work to find a job. So add a few months to those years. Then I need to work, since, its, you know, work. Which no one taught me about at school. I need to work for the money and the house and to keep my job which I will have forever...

"Um...er...well...uh..."

Yeah, i thought so...

Merry Xmas

2009-12-25T15:23:00.000-08:00

As much as i hate the holiday season i expect that everyone else likes it...

So...

MERRY CHRISTMAS (and other assorted december holidays)

Change of pace

2009-11-28T16:19:00.001-08:00

Changing the topic slightly here, and aren't you guys lucky, 2 posts in a single day, the worlds bestest web-browser game has just been discovered by yours truly.

You can play it here for free or you can download it for your iPod at the iTunes store.

Canabalt really is one of the best games ever.

You complete me

2009-11-28T15:12:00.000-08:00

I love you guys. At least, I hope there are people out there for me to love. Seriously, there are comments at the bottom. If you like what you fucking see, the PUT A GODDAMN COMMENT ON THE FUCKING PAGE!

THE INTERNET IS SOCIAL! For the love of your wife, who I would assume would never want you to pay attention to a person behind a computer screen in another country, won't you communicate?! The internet was used for sharing information. NOW its used for people to communicate and porn. I am trying to communicate. FOR FUCKS SAKE! TALK WILL YOU!

THE INTERNET GODS DEMAND THAT YOU TALK OR DOWNLOAD A VIDEO OF A GOAT ON TOP OF A FAT CHICK! Great, now my age is showing... *shudder* But my point does come across correct?

I know its a new website, but for fucks sake, even this dead-ass piece of shit blog is getting more action than my site... WHAT THE FUCK?! I put no effort into my blog and he has a plan, and a script and... dedicated followers...

I think I see where the problem is...

funny... uh... yeah...

Did ya miss meeeeee?

2009-11-16T00:05:00.000-08:00

You know what, fuck what I said before, i'm not fucking sorry!

I put up 4 fucking posts last month, one per week, and i'm bloody proud of my contribution!

How are you all? I don't always want this to be about me, send me an email saying what the fuck is wrong in you shit-house backwater city. I don't care how long it is, just put it up there.

Maybe I will even let the rest of you guys know whats been going on.

Now, since this is my blog, i'm gonna bitch about my life. For those of you outside of Australia, there is a end of year 12 test called the Higher School Certificate (HSC). This HSC is total cunting bullshit.

I'm 16. I got, bare minimum, another 20 years to fuck up my life and turn it into a pile of penis pus. This test is made out to be THE BIGGEST FUCKING DEAL ON THE PLANET! Water has been discovered on the moon lately, but I didn't hear about that because I WAS CHAINED TO MY DESK AND ARSE-RAPED TILL I STUDIED.

Ok, the arse -rape is total bollocks, but seriously, I got plenty of years to go and i need to sacrifice my life fucking now... I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO!

There are so many jobs out there that are under represented. If i get a horrible mark is the arse-backwards-as-fuck HSC, I can still get a job at a local shop. I could work as a garbage collector. The world don't fucking work without them bitches. Wake up one morning and your covered in filth 'coz your collector was killed? Don't come balls put crying to me fucker.

Seriously, this one fucking test, will determine my life, the career I get, the university course I can do, my income, my place of residence, the fucking gender of my kinds if I can fucking afford to feed them between clearing garbage for you and you mansion/yacht/sex party.

Yeah, one test to rule them all. Funny. Ha...

Sorry

2009-11-09T23:17:00.001-08:00

I haven't been posting for the simple reason that I have now discovered that my parents read this. While i'm writing it...

E=mc^potato

2009-10-29T03:17:00.000-07:00

For many years, humans such as yourself have been searching for and answer to life, the universe, and everything. One man told us the answer was 42, and now he has a holiday called towel day. Don't believe me? LOOK IT UP!

Now... science and religion go out of their way to solve these or at least provide an answer to these questions:

Where to I come from?
Why am I here?
What is my purpose?

My answers all involve cupcakes, but i'm not going to try and answer these for you. No, no... you can work that out yourself. I'm going to answer my own question: WHY DO WE DO THIS TO OURSELVES!?

Now, I hate religion as much as the next guy/girl but for today, i'm gonna keep it simple. Religion tries to answer the questions above, and it usually involves belief in a god or greater being caring about us if we do nice things to people...

WHAT THE FUCK

People over the age of 10 are being bribed to be good. I thought that people were past that! And where I come from, anyone who so much as thinks about bribing someone gets a new cunt ripped open for them. They aren't even sure of what the fucking prize is! Heaven, afterlife, reincarnation, what the fuck are they?

They must be really great, because whenever I write to my grandfather in heaven/hell, he is too busy to write back sunnuvabitch

Now... science isn't much better. They try to use logic to find the answers of the universe. Einstein did a great job of that, and was one of the main contributors to creating the A-bomb, even if the shit head didn't mean to. Why do we care about how much energy an atom is made up of, and for that matter (not a pun, I fucking swear), why do we care what and atom is anyway?

As if finding out that we are made up of little fuzzy balls could help us! Humanity is doomed! REPENT! THE END IS NIGH!

All these years of searching, and all religion has done is allow women to pray, and all science has done is allow us to see that light may or may not act as a particle as the situation warrents.

Great search guys! yeah... life's funny like... ah fuckit, this isnt even close to funny, this is just plain PATHETIC

Out Damned Spot!

2009-10-12T16:13:00.000-07:00

Now then, for those who don't get it, that title is a Shakespeare reference. For those that do, i'm sorry, but it was the best i could come up with.

This one is about washing your hands. Specifically after you go to the toilet. This is somewhat vulgar I know, but i'm going there anyway just because I can.

Now, going to the toilet is a normal thing. Most people (i think at least) go to the toilet a bare minimum of once per day. If you don't there may be something wrong with you. Now, if this is a core piece of human life WHY THE FUCK IS IT TABOO! We can't talk about going to the toilet without looking like a total wankwit because...

um...

THERE IS NO REASON!

Anyway, moving on slightly (if there was a pun there i'm sorry), when someone goes to the toilet they wash their hands because they don't want to get any shit/piss particle on the stuff they are using each day. Um... yeah... that makes total sense. When I go to the toilet, I do my business. Now that I have done my business, i stand up, and pull up my pants. I press the button to flush the toilet (hilariously invented by Thomas Crapper and family) and then open the door to leave the toilet room and walk over to the sink. I turn on the water, soap up my hands and wash them.

Now... that all seems normal yes? Well, I clean my hands so that nothing gets dirty. BUT, i have already touched my pants which i'm going to wear for the rest of the day and enjoy sitting on getting more poo on my couch. I touched the flush button on the toilet, so now the next person to touch that will be double shitted on. Ok, 2 so far.

After flushing the toilet, I proceeded to open the door to leave. Now THAT ONE has shit on it. Next person to walk in will be filthy before they even start to do something dirty. 3 things. Now I touch the tap to start washing my hands.

4 THINGS ARE NOW COVERED IN A THIN LAYER OF SHIT!!! THIS IS FANTASTIC! We are all so clean. pffft as if!

So... i'm clean now aren't I? Because, you know, I did wash my hands? Makes perfect sense, that the world is clean right now?

Yeah... life's funny like that.

P.s. I hope to be more regular with my postings as this one was a touch late.

Congratulations Beth

2009-10-05T00:36:00.001-07:00

Yay! I have at least one certain person who read my blog and enjoyed it!

For that, you get 1,000 points! Well done!

Now that i'm done shouting at you, lets get on with it. Today i'm gonna talk about television. Television is a funny thing. When it was released, people where saying "Radio will never be replaced" and "There is no way this television thing will catch on".

Pssh! I love people like that. New stuff sucks and will be obliterated. Its this kind of xenophobic (maybe its not the right word but its the best I could come up with) belief that lets things like the internet happen more slowly so that some lonely bastard like me couldn't do this kind of shit 30 years ago.

For those of you who don't know, television is a wonderful invention that allows us to see prerecorded events that have happened outside of our lives, many of which are set up to look like real occurrences, with the remaining 2% news about the shit that is happening in other fucked-up countries regardless of what the shit it is. I bullshit you not, a kids Runescape (this is a online game that 10 year olds play and complain about stuff that is irrelevant to the game) account getting 'hacked' made the news headlines. This happens here.

Anyway... back to television, or TV as we know it now. TV is in most homes (around about 90% of houses with people in them also have a TV) and seems to form the core of life. In my house, my mum, my dad and my two younger brothers are watching the TV as we speak. Dad is of the belief that I should stop spending time on my computer where I don't talk to anyone 'real'. Instead, I should be moving about 5 feet to my left so that I can sit in front of the TV and rot my brain while STILL not talking to them rather than search to expand my pathetic vocabulary blogging.

Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?! There is no logic in that what so ever. TV REMOVES social interaction from any family. Every night the whole family (more or less) ends up sitting/lying/standing around watching the TV in a stupor. It makes so little sense its not fucking funny...

DAD: Lets spend some time together.
BRO: How will we do that?
DAD: We'll bum around watching TV and not putting any of this time to good use! Your brothers drug addiction can wait.

Woo. Quality time. Can't wait... life's funny like that isn't it?

OH HAI THAR

2009-10-03T05:22:00.000-07:00

Well, here we go. New blog (first blog), almost illiterate writer who lives in Australia. Yeah, and i will spell coloUr and flavoUr the way i want to. If I get angry, it isn't your fault, it is humanities. You are human? Tough shit!

This will just be where i come occasionally to talk, vent, and ponder stuff. Advice may be asked (though not initially as i have 0 readers). Criticism is welcomed, but not if its shit like "You ruined America!" which believe it or not, i got once.

So now, on with the first post.

Birthdays are a funny thing. They are great, don't get me wrong, I love receiving gifts from the random family members who will show up at a seconds notice because you happen to be born on x date and have achieved nothing other than surviving another year, which with todays level of science and open care is nothing surprising unless you at the age of 100.

They seem kind of unnecessary though. Like I said, i have done very little to date. I studied for a test that happened last week? That was it. Thanks for the money dad, but there are people who are dying outside. HA! As if I would say that, i'm a teenager with a growing blog on the internet who thinks he knows everything about the world. I need the money.

Today was my brothers birthday. Like every birthday before, he woke up, got his presents and had something special planned in the next week for a celebration of sorts with his mates. Great.

Another day, but for very little reason there is a HUGE cake a BIGGER sense of ego because "I'm one year older". Everyone gets like this on there birthday, and I am no exception, but WHY?! WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?!!!

NOTHING! I merely wasted some oxygen and didn't eat enough (apparently)! I used more coal playing video games on my computer and wasted 10 days of my life playing too much World of Warcraft (I've quit now, so will accept congratulations later)!

Woo... Another year is over. I get to waste another! Can't wait. And if anyone disagrees with me, my email is frozenking2@googlemail.com. I am willing to debate this there or in the comments. Nothing is going to change as a result, just that on your next birthday, you can add to the list that you had a meaningless argument with some teenager you never met in real life.

Life's funny like that isn't it?